Monday, November 03, 2008

The Top Ten Signs That Your Chapel Speaker is Nuts

Back when I was Student Body President in College, I was asked to deliver the chapel message on one occasion. As part of that message, I shared a David Letterman-style "Top Ten" list: "The Top Ten Signs That Your Chapel Speaker is Nuts!" I've mentioned this list before, as part of a post that looked at how my thinking has changed over the years, but I didn't share the list. The fact is, most of the items on that list were very "Montreat-Anderson College 1995"-specific, and would make no sense to readers today. But it seemed to me that the list was something I could update and modify for my current audience, especially in light of the fact that I have new insights into chapel services from my time at Fuller and, more recently, from seeing my wife's experiences as Assistant Director of Chapel (although I promise that nothing here will get her into trouble!).

So, with that disclaimer, here is the new "Top Ten" list of "Top Ten Signs That Your Chapel Speaker is Nuts!"
  1. Begins with an IQ test to determine if the congregation can handle what is about to be preached.
  2. Thinks Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were the original Beatles.
  3. Says "Chapel is like a box of chocolates."
  4. Preaches entire sermon in koine Greek.
  5. Starts installing automatic seat belts in pews to ensure that no one leaves before the sermon is completed.
  6. Begins the Scripture reading by looking up a passage in the book of Hezekiah, before realizing that there is no such book in the Bible!
  7. Suddenly screams "Hallelujah!" every time a cell phone goes off.
  8. Entire sermon consists of songs from the musical Cats.
  9. A large digital countdown clock is lowered from the ceiling as the sermon begins.
  10. After the sermon is finished , orderlies come down the aisle to fit the speaker in a straitjacket.

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