(For full effect, the following should read in a loud, authoritative voice. Starting off in a shower optional.)
"Hello, Christians! Look at your pastor, now back to me, now back at your pastor, now back to me. Sadly, your pastor isn’t me, but if your pastor stopped using generic recycled sermons and switched to Sermon-Right, your pastor could preach like me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a pew with the pastor your pastor could preach like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an offering plate with two wallets full of cash. Look again, the wallets are now in my pocket! Anything is possible when your preacher sounds like Sermon-Right and not a generic. I’m in a pulpit."
(With apologies to the Old Spice folks. Click below for an audio version.)