The Perseverance of Weird Al Yankovic

Meeting Weird Al at BotCon 2009

The odds are you've probably already heard that Weird Al Yankovic's most recent album, Mandatory Fun, has officially been named the top album on the Billboard chart this week. Although Weird Al has been doing albums for more than three decades, this has never happened before, so it's kind of a big deal. Suffice it to say, being an album of parodies and funny novelty songs, this is not the kind of thing that normally tops the charts (in fact, according to Buzzfeed, the last comedy album to debut at #1 was in 1960, by the still-living legend Bob Newhart - UPDATE 7/26/14 - I've since verified that the last comedy album to reach #1 at all was in 1963, so it's still been more than 50 years however you slice it!).
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Loot Crate Highlight of the Month - May 2013

So, this was the third and final month of my initial Loot Crate membership, and thus the last month I'll be featuring a highlight from the box set. In the interest of protecting the surprise for those who care about such things, the reveal will come in the next paragraph (after the "Read More" link on the main page and RSS feed)...
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It's Not Easy Being Brawl

In a recent thread about the upcoming "Fall of Cybertron" versions of the Combaticons, it was observed that Brawl somehow manages to remain green through various recolors that leave the rest of the team with strikingly different appearances. Someone suggested a parody of a certain song sung by a famous Muppet frog. I took that as a challenge! ;)
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A Public Service Message to my Facebook Friends

Yet Another "Call Me Maybe" Parody

Obviously, I'm jumping on the bandwagon a bit here, as there are tons of parodies of the Carly Rae Jepsen megahit "Call Me Maybe" out there already (I'm particularly fond of the Cookie Monster one). But I couldn't resist this take that, I hope, is rather unique. It tells a story that should be familiar to most Christian ears, if probably never quite like this.
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Secret Parking Space

Those of us who have been connected to Fuller for any length of time know that parking has been a perennial problem. It's not terribly uncommon to come to campus, find there isn't any space in the first lot you arrive at, and while attempting to leave to try one of the other lots, pass by at least one or two other cars about to make the same discovery.

It should therefore come as no surprise that the parking situation is an easy target for jokes and parodies. I shared one some time back that was performed at a "Fuller Follies" event, and the parody I'm sharing today was originally written at about that same time, with the help of my wife.
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Remembering Wrath Side Story

Back when I was in high school, I was a member of a local Star Trek fan club that met once a month. Besides watching episodes of the show (both original and Next Generation, but none of the other spin-offs existed yet at that point), we also enjoyed the occasional piece created by fans. One such film we watched, which was apparently presented live at a convention somewhere, was called Wrath Side Story.
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Seven Dwarfs as Mortal Flesh

My wife and I put this parody together a number of years ago, about the same time we came up with this one. Riffing on hymns may seem a bit sacrilegious  but it's all in good fun. I definitely imagine the Disney version of the dwarfs when I think of this song:
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Politics via Phineas and Ferb

I've been enjoying the Disney Channel cartoon Phineas and Ferb via my Netflix subscription recently. Now, so far as I can tell, this cartoon is pretty non-political, and I'm not out to expose any supposed "hidden messages" in the writing (which is always excellent). But while listening to some commentary on the recent Presidential debates (and, specifically, the current Republican front-runner), I got to thinking about how certain Phineas and Ferb catchphrases might be viewed in a different light if presumed to be talking about the candidates.

Consider, for example, the following:
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The Pastor Your Pastor Could Preach Like

(For full effect, the following should read in a loud, authoritative voice.  Starting off in a shower optional.)

"Hello, Christians! Look at your pastor, now back to me, now back at your pastor, now back to me. Sadly, your pastor isn’t me, but if your pastor stopped using generic recycled sermons and switched to Sermon-Right, your pastor could preach like me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a pew with the pastor your pastor could preach like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an offering plate with two wallets full of cash. Look again, the wallets are now in my pocket! Anything is possible when your preacher sounds like Sermon-Right and not a generic. I’m in a pulpit."

(With apologies to the Old Spice folks. Click below for an audio version.)

I'm Not Really Irish

While chatting with my sister online, we got to talking about yesterday's St. Patrick's Day holiday.  The love of all things Irish commonly associated with that day got us to thinking about one of our favorite movies from our childhood, The Happiest Millionaire.  As I said when I mentioned that movie a few years back, we really like the stuff featuring Tommy Steele, and can actually skip most of the actual plot that pads the middle of the movie.  But an early song featuring Steele from the movie, "I'll Always Be Irish," seemed especially appropriate.  You can find lyrics to the actual song here, but we decided to go in a different direction.  The parody that follows was written as a collaboration between the two of us.
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REPOST: If Jesus Was Choosing "The Apprentice"...

Now that The Apprentice is back on the air with real people (as opposed to celebrities) for the first time in a couple of years, it seemed appropriate to repost this parody I wrote when the show was first becoming popular.

(As with all material on Transforming Seminarian that I created myself, this work is covered by a "Creative Commons" license. In this case, permission is expressly granted to make photocopies of this work and to stage a production of this script for their church or parachurch organization, provided that the author is given credit for the script in a bulletin or program accompanying the performance.)

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Jesus’ “Apprentice”
By Mark Baker-Wright


Setting: The Boardroom: looking for DaVinci's "Last Supper" appearance, so that all participants face the audience.

As actors come on stage, it is suggested to play the soundtrack only (no words) of "For the Love of Money" (the theme of The Apprentice)?

Disciples on stage left: Peter and other unnamed disciples. This is the "Fisher" corporation.

Disciples on stage right: Paul, with Barnabas and John Mark, and other disciples. This is the "Xairos" corporation.

Jesus in Center: (dressed like Trump. If he can do the voice, even better)

Two people dressed as angels stand behind Jesus. One on either side. Perhaps dressed in white business suits or some such. At least one of these should be female, to make up for the lack of named/speaking females in the rest of the sketch. (Although there should be women on both corporations as well.)

JESUS: OK, so how did the disciples do this week?

ANGEL 1: The Fisher corporation did extremely well. They made converts of some Roman Centurions, and baptized their entire households. Total converts this week: 653

ANGEL 2: The Xairos corporation also did very well. They sent missionaries out from Antioch and planted a new church in Corinth. Total converts this week: 547. The Fisher corporation is the winner.

JESUS: Congratulations, Peter. You and your team of disciples have won this week's challenge. For your reward, you will enjoy a fine dinner of fish from the Sea of Galilee, prepared by my finest chefs. Go and enjoy! (The Fisher Corporation thanks Jesus and leaves offstage)

JESUS: Now, for the rest of you. What went wrong?

PAUL: It was all Mark's fault, Lord. He abandoned us at the very beginning of our journey in Pamphylia.

MARK: That's not fair! I had worked with the group in both Antioch and Cyprus, and found that I was more effective working from home. I continued to send messages and kept in touch through Barnabas.

JESUS: Barnabas, is this true?

BARNABAS: Well, Mark certainly did keep in touch, and I've always considered him an asset, but I cannot speak for what he thought was most effective.

PAUL (angry): You can't speak for it because you don't know! None of us know why Mark left! All we know is that he abandoned the group just when we were getting started!

JESUS: I think I've heard enough. Paul, as Project Manager, you can choose two people to remain in the boardroom with you. Who do you choose?

PAUL: Barnabas and John Mark.

JESUS: All right, then. For the rest of you. Although you failed the competition, you have served me faithfully. Go join the others in their fish-bake. (The others are surprised, but leave happily offstage, leaving only Barnabas, Paul, and Mark with Jesus and his Angels.)

JESUS: Now, Barnabas. You tried to speak in Mark's defense earlier, despite the fact that you didn't know why he left the group to work on his own. Why?

BARNABAS: Well, Mark's family. We've known each other for years, and I know him to be a man of deep faith. He may not have done things the way Paul or I would have done them, but I can vouch for Mark's integrity.

PAUL: He's unreliable! I can't allow someone who won't follow through with the job to stick around just because he's got well-connected relatives!

JESUS: OK. We know why you've asked John Mark in the boardroom. Why is Barnabas here?

PAUL: Because...

BARNABAS (cutting Paul off): Paul's mad at me because I stood up for Mark. No other reason. He knows I've stood by him faithfully through travels and controversy. Never once have I given him reason to question my devotion to your work. But I could not stand aside and let him cut Mark loose like that. It was simply unfair.

PAUL: Unfair?! I'm accused of being unfair for making a decision to weed out a team member who can't be counted on? If Mark stays on, he'll drag the rest of us down. I can't allow that. And if you can't see that, then I have no use for you either.

JESUS: I see. Barnabas, I don't think you should be here. You have continued to see the good in one of my workers when others couldn't. You continue to encourage him and give him support. Mark, although you may have honestly felt that you were being more effective by working alone, you obviously left at least your Project Manager down by leaving when you did. You should have worked out details on how you were best to serve the team with others rather than acting unilaterally. Paul, as Project Manager, it was your job to find out if there were problems within the team, and find out how to solve them. Mark clearly felt that he wasn't a part of the group, and you should have dealt with that. And you've stubbornly turned against one of your best friends for speaking up for him...

PAUL (tries to interrupt, although Jesus keeps talking): But... but...

JESUS (continuing from before): ... and I keep hearing these reports of you stirring up riots and getting thrown into prison!

PAUL: But, Lord....

JESUS (pointing to Paul, the "Trump cobra"): Paul, you're hired!

PAUL (pause: caught off guard): Wha? Hired?

JESUS: Yes, hired! Barnabas and Mark, you're hired, too. Go and join the others in the banquet.

(Paul, Barnabas, and Mark are dumbstruck, but get up and leave offstage)

ANGEL 1: (after Paul and others have left) You know, you're never going to be successful that way.

JESUS: We'll see.

(Post-boardroom music from The Apprentice plays, Jesus and Angels leave stage. Lights out.)

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Daleks

Not mine, but too cool not to share!

Community for Dummies

Not that long ago, yellow "Dummies" books were all the rage.  I had in mind to write a parody of such a book for Fuller back when I was a student.  One of the hot topics on campus then (perhaps it still is among students now?) was "community."  So, why not do a "Community for Dummies"?  Here's a sampling:

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Lesson 1: Get Out of the House!

This may seem an obvious point to many, but the fact is that it is impossible to have community when there are no other people present. Just sitting at home by yourself is a sure-fire way NOT to build community. While it is true that the internet is a valuable tool that can be used to communicate with people while sitting at your computer in your underwear, it is not intended to be a substitute for actually going outside and meeting people face-to-face (but please put some clothes on first!).

Lesson 2: Say "Hi!"

OK. So you’ve made the step of placing yourself in an environment where there are people around. Now, initiate contact! Walk up to someone and introduce yourself. Please remember that this is NOT an internet chat room anymore! Telling someone you meet face-to-face "Hi! I’m ‘Spock4Prez@geek.com’" will not leave a favorable impression on the person you wish to build community with. Try using your real name. Trust us, it works!

Lesson 3: The Art of Conversation at Fuller

DOs	DON’Ts
What classes are you taking?	I worship Satan.
How did you come to Fuller?	Ministry is for losers.
What is your call?	I think God is a figment of your imagination.

However, it should be noted that even these "DON’Ts" can have positive community building results, because people will be so concerned for your spiritual welfare that they will constantly pray for you and spend time with you to help you "see the light." The important thing is that you actually do have conversations.

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Perhaps it's just as well that I never got around to writing any more....

You Are Superman!

I should note that, although this parody bears more than a passing resemblance to "Ode to a Superhero" by Weird Al Yankovic, I actually wrote this nearly a decade before that song was released (and I think that the 1995 edition of Logos, Montreat-Anderson College's literary magazine, would prove it, but even though I was the editor of that issue, I no longer have a copy of my own for that particular year, so I can't check to see whether this was one of my pieces that we printed, or if I just think we did....  Ah, well.)

“You Are Superman”
to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”
by Mark Baker-Wright

Well, it’s nine o’clock in Metropolis
The newspaper crowd shuffles in
There’s a bald man standing next to me
With his eyes filled with hatred and sin.
He says “I think that all of you know of me!”
as he pushes a gun to my face.
“For Lex Luthor’s the one who’s destiny
is to put Superman in his place!”

Oh, la lala lele lah
Lala lele lah lalah

Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.

I see a man wearing glasses run away from me
As the crowd panics and turns to stone.
And as Luthor prepares a calamity,
I then realize that we’re not alone.
For a hero has entered the vicinity,
and so Luthor prepares for a fight.
And as Superman begins to rescue me,
Luthor pulls out some green kryptonite.

Oh, la lala lele lah
Lala lele lah lalah

Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.

But before the rock can hurt Superman,
I turn Luthor’s intentions to ash.
For I kick Luthor’s hand with the kryptonite,
And then throw it into the trash.
So Superman’s powers come back to him.
And the criminal knows that he's failed.
For Superman then takes a hold of him,
And flies Luthor screaming to jail.

It’s a beautiful day in Metropolis.
A newspaper boy passes by.
I call him to purchase a copy.
For the headline, it catches my eye.
It says “Town throws a party for Superman,”
And the boy takes my money in awe
For he sees that it's me in the picture there
Helping Superman uphold the law.

Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.
Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.

Are You Smarter Than a Devastator?

I started work on this over two years ago, not too long after completing the Family Feud photocomic.  Unfortunately, I was never able to get very far in the picture-taking (and editing!) process.  Rather than let it continue to gather dust, and while the game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? is still on the airwaves enough that people will get the joke, I'll post the script with such images as I've prepared.  Enjoy!

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Alpha Trion: Welcome to Are You Smarter Than a Devastator? I'm your host, Alpha Trion! Let's meet our class!

(Introduce each Devastator in turn: Generation One, Classics, Micromaster, Action Master, and Universe Devastators are all shown.)

(Frame shows Wheelie running into the studio)
Alpha Trion:  And here's our first contestant. Wheelie!

Wheelie: Wheelie say, it's time to play!

(Categories and Grade Levels are displayed)  Alpha Trion:  All right, you're going to work your way up to our top prize of 1 million Energon cubes by answering questions from these categories.

Alpha Trion:  And, of course, you get to chose one of our Devastators to help you out! Who will it be?

Wheelie: Wheelie here to have some fun. So it's got to be G1!

Alpha Trion: All right, now choose your first category.

Wheelie: Because this is introduction, let's chose Level 1 Destruction

Alpha Trion: OK. Here's the question: What is the best way to destroy an Autobot stronghold?

(next frame) Alpha Trion: G1 Devastator has his answer locked in. What's your answer, Wheelie?

Wheelie: Though it seems unwise to state, sneaking through the access gate!

Alpha Trion: I'm sorry, but that answer is incorrect. The correct answer is “Smash it!” But G1 Devastator can still save you, if he wrote “Smash it.” Let's see Devastator's answer!

(Badly scrawled word “SMASH!” appears on screen)

Alpha Trion: Congratulations! G1 Devastator has saved you, and you now have 1,000 Energon cubes, what will you do ne--? (Alpha Trion is interrupted by Devastator smashing Wheelie, screaming “Smash! Smash!” Wheelie is flattened)

(Alpha Trion looks down at Wheelie's clearly unconscious form.) Oh, dear! I guess we'll have to bring out a substitute contestant to pick up where Wheelie left off. Let's introduce... Waspinator!

(Waspinator takes place at podium)

Alpha Trion: Waspinator, which Devastator would you like to have help you on this question?

Waspinator: Wazzzzzpinator choozzze Micromazzzter Devazzzzstator!

Alpha Trion: OK, and what category would you like to choose?

Waspinator: Wazzzzpinator choozzzzzzes Level 2 Pulverizzzation!

Alpha Trion: Here's the question. How should you make sure that an enemy target is completely destroyed?

(next frame) Alpha Trion: Devastator has locked in his answer. What do you think?

Waspinator: Wazzzpinator not like this! Wazzzpinator want to copy Greenbot's answer!

Alpha Trion: OK. You're using one of your cheats, and you'll be locked into whatever answer Devastator gives. Let's see it.

(Another badly written “SMASH!” appears on the screen!)

Alpha Trion: That's correct! “Smash it” is once again the answer! You now have 2000 Ener-- (interrupted by Devastator yelling “Smash! Smash!” and swinging at Waspinator, knocking off his head.)

(picture of Waspinator's head lying on floor) Wazzzpinator hatez this game....

(Alpha Trion looks down again) Oh, no! Not again! Well, we'll just have to bring in another substitute contestant. Let have a round of applause for Grimlock! (Grimlock appears at podium in T-Rex mode)

Alpha Trion: Welcome to the game Grimlock. Which Devastator would you like to play with?

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, choose Universe Devastator!

Alpha Trion: And what category will you be playing with?

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, like Level 4 Tactics

Alpha Trion: OK. Here's the question: You are badly outnumbered, but your enemies are no match for your own personal strength. How do you survive this battle?

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, want to peek at Devastator's answer!

Alpha Trion: OK. That's your last cheat. Let's see what Devastator wrote down.

(Answer appears in calligraphy script: “I would chose a melee defense, taking hold of one of my enemies' fallen bodies, and swinging it around my own body in rapid fashion, thereby eliminating many other enemies all at once as his form connects with theirs.”)

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, think something wrong with Devastator. Me choose own answer. Me, Grimlock say, 'smash through them.'

Alpha Trion: That's correct! You now have 5,000 Energon Cubes!

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, not as dumb as me look!

Alpha Trion: That's all the time we have for today! We'll see you next time! (last frame shows Universe Devastator saying “Well, of course, you can smash through them if you want to be crude about it, but my way would be much more efficient at dispatching a greater number of opponents with a minimum of--” Grimlock interrupts--“Me, Grimlock, think you talk too much!”)

Silverstreak: A Christmas Parody

It's Christmas parody time again! This year's entry involves a matter that Transfans are increasingly concerned about: the loss of beloved names due to trademark reasons.

(to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Silverstreak! Silverstreak!
He’s lost his name, what a pity!
Marketing... Silly thing
Bluestreak could no longer stay....

Market trademarks, silly trademarks
Losing them all the while
So the name wasn’t open to Hasbro
Try a new one, something someone
might find in the toy aisle
and remember the name we held dear

Silverstreak! Silverstreak!
He’s lost his name, what a pity!
Marketing... silly thing...
His former name’s gone away!

Previous Christmas parodies may be found below:

• A Christmas Thought
• Have Yourself a Megatron-y Christmas
• Primus the Planet

Traditionally, the Christmas parody post has been my last for the year, as I have taken a vacation from blogging (often accompanied by a real vacation) between Christmas and New Year's. I intend to keep posting this year, at least as much as the usual Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule, if not more (I already have something planned for tomorrow, in fact!). So please keep checking in!

Goofy Scrabble Parody

In honor of my sister's birthday (yesterday), here is a parody I wrote on-the-fly in the middle of one of the Scrabble games she and I regularly play on Facebook.

To the tune of Limbo Rock (more popularly thought of in my family as the tune to "The Bibbibabka Ditty" from an episode of Perfect Strangers)

When... you... play a Scrabble word
Just don't make it too absurd
If you play a word that's long
You can sing a happy song
When you lay that bingo down
All your frowns turn upside down!
So you win the Scrabble game
And go in the hall of fame!

Primus the Planet

It's time for the annual Christmas parody, as I prepare to take an extended break to celebrate the holidays. This year, I have a not-especially Christmasy tale set to a not-truly-Christmasy song, that nevertheless still always seems to be sung only for Christmas. Previous holiday parodies may be found here and here. Merry Christmas to all, and I'll be back after the New Year!

(to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Primus the Planet
Is an old eternal soul
He's the god of light, and he's sleeping tight
So the universe stays whole

Primus the Planet
Fought with Unicron all day
Who could not be slain in the astral plane
So he tried another way

There must have been some problem
With those asteroids he found
For when he moved his spirit in
He and Unicron were bound

Oh! Primus the Planet
Caused the Transformers to be
And his children say he will find a way
To bring them to unity

REPOST: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity

I originally posted this over a year and a half ago, but I've never been especially happy with the "last part first" set-up I get from that link, and haven't figured out how to set it up so that the story reads from beginning to end as it should. I finally decided that I just need to repost the whole thing in it's proper order as a single (if long) post. Here goes:

(with apologies to Douglas Adams)

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NARRATOR (always voice only): This is the story of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity, a wholly remarkable book. Probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Augustine/Calvin. It is more popular than The Complete Exegetical Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Ways to Convert a Non-Believer, and more controversial than Winston Stapleton’s trilogy of theological-political blockbusters, Where Bush Went Wrong, Some More of Bush’s Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This Bush Person Anyway?

In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Western Coast of the United States, the Hitchhiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Biblaica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal (though, ironically, nothing about the Apocrypha itself), it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and second, it has the words SINNERS WELCOME inscribed in large friendly letters on the cover.

To tell the story of the book, it's best to tell the story of some of the minds behind it. Artie Kent, a student from Evergreen Theological Seminary, is one of them. Though, as our story opens, he no more knows his destiny than a Southern Baptist knows the history of the XXX Multiplex in West LA.

(scene: ARTIE KENT walks in from stage right. A group of students comes in from the opposite side. At least one is holding a sign saying “The End of the World is Nigh!” Others should have signs protesting a construction project. Artie sees the group and approaches.)

ARTIE KENT: Excuse me, what’s going on here?

PROTESTER ONE: We’re protesting the construction of the new 410 bypass. Since they couldn’t build it through the wealthy town south of here, they’ve decided to take it straight through the seminary.

ARTIE KENT: But why?

PROTESTER TWO: Well, it’s a bypass. Apparently you’ve got to build bypasses.

ARTIE KENT: Well, I’m afraid I can’t stay and help, I’m late for class. Good luck! (Artie runs out stage left. Protesters shout and wave their signs while walking off stage right)

NARRATOR: The Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines “luck” as “that which happens by chance; fortune or lot.” It says that to “try one’s luck” is to “try to do something without certainty of success.” The Hitchhiker’s Guide also mentions luck. It notes that many Christians define luck as “the notion that the world is random and left to chance at best, and an evil force at worst. Either way being antithetical to the notion of God’s all-controlling providence and blessing.” This requires them to come up with new terms for otherwise everyday phrases. “Good luck” becomes “God bless,” a “Pot luck” dinner becomes a “pot bless” dinner, and so on. The Hitchhiker’s Guide further notes that other Christians see this an unnecessary infringement upon contemporary language, suggesting that “everybody knows we don’t really mean that the world is left to chance” and further arguing that the first group of Christians shouldn’t be such nosy busybodies. This, naturally, gets the first group of Christians upset at the second set, leading to many heated arguments and fights over how best to use language in a way that consistently describes God’s loving kindness, the end result of which is that nearly all Christians involved more fervently desire that God would simply take them away to heaven all the sooner, so they might leave this crazy, messed-up, chaotic world behind.

(Artie returns from stage left. He stumbles upon a pile of clothes and picket signs in the middle of the stage.)

ARTIE KENT: What in the world? Don’t tell me that LaHaye and Jenkins were right after all!

FORD: (Walks in from off stage. Dressed somewhat eccentrically.) They weren’t.

ARTIE KENT: Really? Then how do you explain the piles of clothes laying here? Clothes I know that my friends were wearing just a couple of hours ago! And who are you anyway?

FORD: Oh! Excuse me. I’m Ford Prophet. Well, I’d say LaHaye and Jenkins weren’t entirely right, at any rate. Yes, some Christians have indeed been raptured. But didn’t you think it odd that your class continued right through it all, and that your professor kept on lecturing as though nothing had happened?

ARTIE KENT: Now that you mention it, that does seem a bit odd….

FORD: Now work with me, here. According to the book, the people that got left behind got a second chance to know Jesus, right?

ARTIE KENT: But of course. Buck Williams’ conversion scene from the movie has been played in our evangelism seminars for years!

FORD: But how did you come to know about Christ?

ARTIE KENT: Oh, that’s easy. My second grade Sunday School teacher!

FORD: Exactly! Someone told you about him! Now, do you really think that giving people a second chance would do the least bit of good if all the Christians were already gone? Who would tell them about Jesus?

ARTIE KENT: Hmmm…. You have a point. But shouldn’t there be plenty of nominal Christians left behind? They would realize that they were wrong after seeing what happened.

FORD: Yes, yes, well, I think you credit humanity with a bit too much intelligence. Anyway, I figure that’s why some of us are still here. We’re here to set folks straight. And that’s why I’m here. I’m here to ask you help me write the most important book ever to be written.

ARTIE KENT: (a bit put off) The Bible’s already been written! It’s totally sufficient for our salvation….

FORD: yes,yes,yes. Well, the second-most important, then. Here (hands Artie a copy). Just read the first paragraph.

ARTIE KENT: (takes book a bit warily) Ooookay. Whatever you say. (Looks at book, while voice-over gives next passage.)

NARRATOR: God is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big God is. I mean, you may have trouble wrapping your mind around the concept of transubstantiation, but that's just peanuts to God.

ARTIE KENT: Interesting.

FORD: So, will you join me?

ARTIE KENT: Well, I don’t know…. (loud noise offstage. The noise of a bulldozer engine.)

FORD: Well, it looks like you’d better make up your mind now. With all the protestors raptured, there’s nothing stopping that bulldozer from tearing down the seminary! (noise gets louder. Sound of buildings being torn down. Lights flicker and debris thrown on from offstage left. Artie and Ford run off stage right.)

NARRATOR: Have our heroes really been “left behind”? Will they escape the destruction of the seminary? Will they be able to find meaningful employment? What does all this mean for the rest of the seminary population? Does anything have any meaning anyway? At least some of these questions might be answered in our next installment.

LIGHTS OUT: END PART ONE

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PART TWO

NARRATOR: The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very happy and been widely regarded as a good move.

Many cultures believe that it was created by some sort of god, although the Christian concept of a single supreme being is by no means shared by all of them.

As multitudinous as the explanations for the Universe’s creation are the theories of how the Universe will end. Even among Christians, there is widespread disagreement on this. Many Christians, for example, believe in a concept known as “the Rapture,” whereby the faithful are taken away from Earth to join God in heaven before the final end comes to the poor saps left behind on the planet below. While some Christians scoff at this interpretation of the end, this is exactly what seems to have occurred to a group of student protestors with whom Artie Kent had a conversation only a few hours ago. Despite that fact that they are Christians themselves, Artie and his friend Ford Prophet have reasoned that God must have left some believers behind to tell the remaining non-Christian population that the end is coming soon, and so have started writing The Hitchhikers’ Guide to Christianity, with which they hope to reach the masses.

Having recently escaped the destruction of Evergreen Theological Seminary to make way for the new 410 bypass, Artie and Ford come upon the former seminary bookstore, which is beginning to make changes in light of recent events.

(Artie and Ford enter from stage right. They arrive to meet a worker standing behind a cash register on stage left.)

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Welcome to Evergreen Family Booksellers. How may I help you today?

FORD: I’m not sure. I’m surprised to see that the bookstore is still here. I’d have thought it would be demolished with the rest of the seminary.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: The benefit of being on the other side of the street, I guess. Of course, since we won’t have so many students coming by, anymore, we have to become a more conventional Christian bookstore.

ARTIE: I see you have the complete set of “Left Behind” books on your shelves.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Well, as the number one selling series of Christian literature on the market, we’d be pretty foolish not to carry them. We’re also looking to carry the complete set of “Left Behind” videos, compact discs, computer software, children’s literature and study guides.

FORD: And where are all the textbooks?

BOOKSTORE WORKER: They’ve been moved to the clearance section. Pretty much no one buys the academic books these days. Most Christian book-buyers prefer to have all that intellectual stuff done for them, and so we’re just looking to carry “Left Behind” books and Thomas Kinkade posters. Our new motto is: “Don’t worry, you won’t have to think about a thing!”

ARTIE: How about your Evangelism section?

BOOKSTORE WORKER: That’s mostly filled with extra copies of the “Left Behind” books. But we have a few other items as well. As a matter of fact… (Ducks under register to get Bumper fish) Would you like a Bumper fish?

NARRATOR: The Bumper fish is probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It is a small plastic outline of a fish affixed with adhesive on one side, intended to be sold in Christian bookstores and placed on the bumper of the buyer’s automobile. The practical upshot of this is that if you stick a Bumper fish on your car you can instantly tell anyone that you are a Christian in any language.

This led to the creation of the Darwin fish, a similar outline of a fish with legs added, intended to make fun of the fundamentalist Christian rejection of the theory of evolution. The Darwin fish led, in turn, to the creation of the “Truth Fish”: a Bumper fish emblazoned with the word TRUTH in large capital letters, depicted as eating a Darwin fish. This led to the Reality Bites fish, (a Darwin fish eating a standard Bumper fish).

Other fish have been created following this pattern, in what has commonly been called the “Fish Wars,” giving us the Cat fish, the Tuna fish, the Yoda fish, the Science fish, the Alien fish, and the “Fish N Chips” fish, among many, many others.

Most leading theologians lament this misuse of one of the most ancient symbols of Christianity, but that hasn’t stopped Christian bookstores from making a fortune on Bumper fish magnets, Bumper fish shirts, and other Bumper fish merchandise.

Meanwhile, the standard Bumper Fish, having effectively removed all barriers to communication between Christians and non-Christians, has caused more and fiercer arguments than any other item in all of Christianity, not including, of course, the Bible itself.

ARTIE (holding fish, puts it back down on the counter): I think I’ll pass for now, thanks.

FORD: But maybe we can help you guys out.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: (suspicious) How?

FORD: My friend and I are writing a new book to help all the regular folks out there know more about Christianity. It will make Christianity look “with it” and “hip.” You’ll sell millions of copies!

BOOKSTORE WORKER: I don’t think anyone uses the terms “with it” and “hip” anymore.

FORD: Whatever. Look (pulls out a copy of the Guide, and hands it to the worker). Here’s a copy of the current draft. You look it over, and if you like it, we can have the final version ready for your shelves within a month!

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Well, I don’t know….

FORD: Wonderful! (shakes worker’s hand) Artie! We’re off to do more research! (Artie puts down the copy of “Left Behind” he’s been holding, gives worker a look that says “yeah, he’s weird, but it’s best just to humor him,” then leaves with Ford.)

NARRATOR: Will Artie and Ford be successful in getting the Hitchhiker’s Guide published? Will the Evergreen Family Booksellers become multimillionaires? Will Artie ever tell Ford that he’s three fries short of a Happy Meal? Join us for the next reasonably illuminating installment.

LIGHTS OUT: END PART TWO.

---

PART THREE

NARRATOR: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Coast of United States lies a small, unregarded little church.

If one traveled from this church at a distance of roughly seven miles, one would find an utterly insignificant little green-colored seminary whose denizens are so amazingly primitive that they still think that double predestination is a pretty neat idea.

This seminary has, or rather had, a problem, which was this: most of the people that went there were unhappy pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because it was the utter absence of these small green pieces of paper which tended to cause the unhappiness in the first place.

And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones who considered themselves predestined.

Eventually, God apparently raptured a significant portion of the seminary’s student population to heaven, effectively ending their concern over the small bits of paper forever. This left no viable opposition to the building of the new 410 bypass right through the center of the seminary property, causing the seminary to be shut down, and forcing those who remained to take their problems elsewhere.

Two of those who remained, students Artie Kent and Ford Prophet, have since embarked on a journey to write The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity, which they hope to better enable the remaining unsaved population to come to know Jesus Christ, whereby they, too, would have their problems solved.

Artie and Ford now find themselves at the relocated offices of Evergreen Seminary's School of Psychology, where they find former students attempting to solve some problems of their own.

STUDENT 1: Now tell me, are you experiencing feelings of loss and betrayal?

STUDENT 2: (surprised) Why, yes!

STUDENT 1: Do you feel as though something has been taken away from you?

STUDENT 2: (even more amazed) Yes! That’s it exactly!

FORD (to Artie, but loud enough for others to hear): Well, of course she does. Her school is buried under a pile of rubble!

STUDENT 1: (a bit annoyed) Can we help you?

FORD: Yes, I think you can! You see, my friend and I are doing research for this book, you see, and….

STUDENT 1: (excited) Oh! Research! Oh, I’m sure we’d love to help!

FORD: … and we’re trying to work out how best to communicate Christianity to the average person.

STUDENT 1: What do you mean by “average?” We would need to have the term carefully quantified in order to ascertain reliable results.

FORD: (obviously not expecting this)…. Well, you know, “average,” just like… Artie, help me out here.

ARTIE: Well, you know, “normal.” Just like everybody else.

STUDENT 1: (laughs) Oh, I’m afraid I’ll still have to ask you to be more specific. Obviously, we’re not all a bunch of clones walking around.

ARTIE: Oh, I see your point…. Well, how about “not unusually different.”

STUDENT 1: Surely, you’ve been at Evergreen long enough to know that we value our differences.

(egg timer sound goes off.)

STUDENT 2: Oh! Time’s up! My turn! (Students 1 and 2 switch places)

STUDENT 2 (to Student 1): Now tell me about this dream you had about the walls crashing down all around you.

FORD: What a minute! Who’s treating who?

STUDENT 2: Oh, we’re treating each other. We’ve all had to deal with the loss of the seminary, and so we’re working through each other’s trauma over the experience.

STUDENT 1: We’re wounded healers.

NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker’s Guide says that a “wounded healer” is any person in any healing profession that has had to struggle with many of the very same problems that the person being healed has come to the professional for help in dealing with. The term is most often used for professionals in the mental heath disciplines, due to the high number of such professionals that appear to come from broken homes or have otherwise painful backgrounds. The Hitchhiker’s Guide hastens to add that this phenomenon is only in apparent disproportion to the rest of society due to the fact that mental health professionals are aware of their issues, while the large majority of humanity simply stumbles along in total ignorance of the monstrous problems that practically everybody, in fact, possesses.

(PROTESTER ONE comes onstage, dressed now in business attire, and walks up to the two Psych students. Artie and Ford are visibly stunned.)

PROTESTER ONE: Excuse me, I’m here for my 4:30 appointment.

ARTIE: But, but, you’re the protester I talked to before the Rapture!

PROTESTER ONE: Rapture? What are you talking about?

ARTIE: Are you, or are you not, the same student protester I spoke to before the construction crews demolished the seminary?

PROTESTER ONE: Yes….

ARTIE (turns to Ford): And did I, or did I not, find protest signs and a bunch of clothes in a pile on the ground, EMPTY, when you and I met?

FORD: Well, of course.

PROTESTER ONE: And you think that I was raptured? (laughs) Wow, you need to read your dispensational theology a bit more! No, I was simply hired by the developers to handle public relations!

ARTIE: Say what?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, they were impressed at how well we were doing, and asked us if we’d rather work for them instead of against them. Paid considerably better than a seminarian’s salary, let me tell you!

ARTIE: (flabbergasted) But why did you leave your signs, and ALL YOUR CLOTHES, right there, in the middle of the road?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, we wouldn’t been very good public relations consultants in t-shirts and slacks, would we? And if we were carrying around signs that accused the developers of working against the will of God, that would be rather counter-productive to good PR work, wouldn’t it?

FORD: (interrupting) So, you mean to tell me, that your values, your convictions, your dedication to the work of Evergreen Seminary, all meant nothing compared to a big paycheck? You simply abandoned everything to work for the big corporations?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, actually, I’m rather conflicted about it. That’s why I’m here. (turns to Psych student) I’d like to speak to someone about my deep-seated feelings of guilt.

STUDENT 1: Of course, if you would just join us this way…. (Both Psych students and protestor head off stage, leaving Artie and Ford alone.)

ARTIE: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. Does no one have any personal integrity anymore?

FORD: Well, look at it this way. Perhaps the Rapture hasn’t happened yet. But there’s still a need to tell people about God. And clearly the old methods haven’t worked. What do you say? Wanna join me in writing the most important book ever written?

ARTIE: After the Bible!

FORD: (starts walking off stage) Yes, yes, of course. The Bible will always be the most important book ever written. But have you ever looked at that thing? Someone’s still got to interpret it. I mean, all that stuff about prophecy, commands against cutting your hair, exhortations to stone children.... It’s no wonder we’ve got so many competing denominations out there! Now, what I think we need…. (fades as Ford and Artie head off stage)

NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity was written by Mark Baker-Wright of Transforming Seminarian, and features whatever actors you wish to imagine in the roles, with the provision that the voice of the Narrator must be understood to be read with a British accent at all times. If you have failed to imagine such a voice in your reading of the script thus far, you are therefore required to go back to the beginning, and start again.

You may now return your seats to their full and upright position, and the remainder of your journey through life will proceed without interruption.


END